S.P.E.Whoops!
by HP Fan four
Summary: Hermione's finally got S.P.E.W off to a flying start, but is it flying in the right direction?


Chapter One - The "Whoops" Part.  
  
"Yes!" Ding, round seven goes to the invincible Pawn of Steel!"   
Ron grinned as his pawn jumped on Harry's bishop with several impressive Kung-Fu moves while the bishop tried its own form of self-defence which looked like a pitiful attempt to timidly wave a fly off his nose. Harry groaned as Ron's pawn dragged his unconscious bishop off the chessboard, showing off like Lockhart on a trip to Hollywood and trying to indicate to the king he's due for a pay rise. Harry didn't mind losing to Ron, he just played for fun, but after five years of solid losing it would be nice to win just once. Then, as his eyes roved the board, he spotted his chance. Ron's knight was too busy flirting with the queen to notice he'd left the king unprotected and if Harry planned his next move just right, he'd stand a good chance of a clean checkmate. All he needed was some peace and quiet....  
BANG!  
The portrait of the Fat Lady slammed open and Hermione came dashing in, clutching her S.P.E.W kit, the badges in her box clattering loudly. She skidded to a noisy halt in front of the table Harry and Ron were using, bumped noisily into it, scattering the chesspieces noisily all over the floor. She raised her eyebrows at their furious expressions.  
"What's the matter with you two?"   
"Take a wild reckless guess," Ron hissed through gritted teeth.  
"Well, you weren't in the middle of anything particularly important, were you?" she went on, eyeing the now empty chessboard.  
"As if," muttered Harry moodily as he bent down to pick his chessmen up.  
"Well, here's something that'll add some importance to your evening," said Hermione brightly. "Listen to this...."  
"If it's got anything to do with that boxful of badges, I don't want to hear it," said Harry flatly.  
Hermione had evidently missed this; "Wait till you hear this, it's about this boxful of badges...." she drew herself up importantly and said in a proud lofty voice, "after months and months of carefully researching every book in the Hogwarts library...."  
"You're finally giving up?" Ron asked hopefully.  
Hermione ignored him. "....I have finally found the perfect way to improve the Hogwarts house-elves' lifestyle!"  
She paused dramatically for these words to sink in, though her audience was very obviously uninterested; Ron yawned and Harry continued to pick up his chesspieces off the floor. Hermione tried to prod the enthusiasm into them.  
"Well?" she prompted eagerly. "Isn't it great?"  
"Oh, it's wonderful," said Ron. "Just as long as you don't drag us down to the kitchens to help you with your mindless demonstrating."  
Hermione had evidently missed this too, because next second she had grabbed both boys' robes and was dragging them down to the kitchens to help her with her mindless demonstrating.  
  
Hundreds of curious elf faces turned quizzically as the kitchen door opened. When they recognised their visitors, they were half delighted half...um....less delighted....  
"Harry Potter sir and Runt Wheezy sir!" they squeaked.  
"Runt?" exclaimed Ron indignantly, while Harry laughed. "It's Ron. Ron Weasley, not Wheezy. Wheezy's a toy penguin with a broken squeaker. My squeaker's working very well, thank you very much."  
Others turned to the third visitor who was still clutching a handful of Harry and Ron's robes and their ears and cheerful disposition drooped. "Oh, 'tis you again, Miss. What is you wanting?"  
Hermione overlooked the rather unfriendly welcome and smiled. "I'm glad you asked me that." She opened her S.P.E.W box and pulled out a very long roll of parchment which fell down to her ankles when she unravelled it.   
"The Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare..." she began to read.  
"Or spew for short," Ron grinned.  
"...founded just over a year ago, was instituted to put an end to the disgusting slavery and affliction many magical creatures, who cower at the bottom of the social chain of Wizarding kind...."   
Harry rolled his eyes and turned to a nearby elf. "Any chance of some of that pumpkin pie we had last night?"  
Eager for any excuse to get away from Hermione's lecture, the elf nodded feverishly and rushed off. Catching on, two others joined him.  
"...while smarter and more menacing creatures like goblins have managed to worm their way into the Wizarding world's good books, finding not only respectable jobs but with ridiculously generous salaries too...."  
"Would sir like a hot chocolate with that?" prompted another elf, apparently just as desperate for a break from Hermione as the other three.  
"Yeah, that would be great," grinned Harry and four more elves dashed off to get him some.  
"...The injustice elf kind has suffered through the centuries and the inconsideration and brutality of their masters has failed to touch the hearts of many witches and wizards...."  
"How about some chocolate chips with your fudge pudding, Run Breezy sir?"  
"Yeah, thanks."  
"...while The Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare stands alone to face the barbaric prison so many elves live in...."  
"Cherry muffins, Harry Potter sir?"  
"...and while many believe this to be a pointless act of mindless demonstrating and obsession with the...."  
"Would sir be wanting custard on your jam tarts?"  
And on it went. It took Hermione perhaps ten minutes and three-fifths of her speech to realise she didn't have her audience's undivided attention. In fact, she had nobody's very divided attention; Out of the two hundred elves who stood frowning at her at the beginning of her speech, not one stood within a ten-foot radius of her and those who did were waiting on Ron and Harry, who had seated themselves down for an enormous banquet. Clenching her fists, Hermione scrunched up her speech and tossed it over her shoulder.  
"Okaaaay," she muttered furiously through gritted teeth. "Plan B...."  
She untied her shoelaces and pulled out her wand.  
The elves hovered around the two boys as they ate, watching them pile the endless food onto their plates with immense satisfaction. Every single elf had their back to Hermione and didn't see her pulling her shoe off or hear her muttering "Engorgio" at something. It wasn't until Hermione yelled "Look out below!" that the hundreds of elves watched the giant sock she had thrown fall towards them in slow motion. For a moment, they all stared at it, transfixed, then their natural elfish instincts took charge and all two hundreds elves leapt into the air and grabbed a corner of the sock.   
Hermione beamed. "You're free!" she said simply.  
The elves gaped in shock at the huge piece of material they held between them, taking this in. For a moment, there was silence. Then the elf nearest Ron thrust his corner of the sock at him and squeaked, "take it back, wish for something else, wish for the Nile, say I is wishing for the Nile, try that..."  
The enormity of it all began to sink in and the Hogwarts house-elves, smiles slowly forming on their faces, began pulling out their suitcases and Disney hats.  
"I is free, I is off to see the world..."  
"I is free, I is free - dang it!" the elf added as it tripped into a set of spare stocks.  
The house elves began trooping out of the kitchen, chattering happily about their plans, leaving Harry and Ron staring after them in disbelief.  
"Hey, what about those iced buns you said were flying this way?" Ron called after them, instantly wishing he hadn't because they iced bun that did come flying his way made his face rather messy.   
Harry watched the last elf hurry cheerfully out of the kitchen then turned to Hermione.  
"Do you realise what you've done?"   
"Given these poor, brainwashed creatures the happiness they've been lacking since the beginning on time?" Hermione smiled innocently.  
"Yeah, that's all great, but now the school's got not no catering staff or cleaners," Ron snapped, wiping icing out of his eyes. "Quite apart from anything else, how are we supposed to eat?"  
"Tactless!" sobbed Moaning Myrtle from the kitchen tap.  
  
A/N I dunno when the next chapter will be up, because I've got loads of schoolwork to keep me nice and busy, but there WILL be one. Please be patient and please please please review. 


End file.
